Today is bittersweet.
I've spent two weeks recuperating, resting, and restoring myself. I've spent Christmas and New Year with family and loved ones. I've done a lot of soul searching. I've reached out to the past, reconciled old hurts, and begun the process of repentance for a life spent in selfish vanity. I've taken communion with my sweet family, got to hear my Momma pray a prayer that would raise the hair on the back of your neck, and gotten to be in service with precious loved ones and cousins.
I've seen the hand of God touch me and literally heal me in the past weeks. We always hear of others far off. We always think it's someone's cousin's little sister's roommate from junior camp in Texas somewhere that gets truly healed, or touched by God. Or one of the Bournes. It's never us. Well, this time it was me. God's chased me since I was a child, and He's never faltered. It's odd to be this lucid, and see things this clearly, and feel this much wonder.
I'm changed. Forever changed. Forgiven. Called. Commissioned. And, embarrassingly enough to admit, scared. What is your reaction to realizing you've run from God? Wasted resources? Not been a very good steward? What do you do when the supernatural touches your life, gives you an unmerited gift, restores what you've abused, and offers peace and grace?
I'm sitting in an airport... crying... and wondering what in the world my next steps are. I'm in a peaceful turmoil. I am so sad to leave my family. I am not thrilled to return to my privileged and selfish life and begin the real work of dismantling bad habits, bad decisions, repair relationships, and move forward in grace and fulfill callings I've long-enough ignored. Yet, I'm blessed. I'm peaceful. I keep running over in my head that I am loved, and protected. I am in God's will, so what's with the anxiety and stress? And then I remember that I still have 20 years of consequences, reparations and many, many things to disentangle from my life. I feel partially like Joseph, having been sent on a difficult, but ultimately, rewarding, multi-decade detour. And partially like the prodigal son.
God made good on His end and healed me physically - you'd think that would be the hard part... The next steps, moments, hours, and days are for what I covet prayer. I'm humming this to myself today, "Only Trust Him," over and over. That, while so simple, is my best and next step. And the next. And the next.
"Come, every soul by sin oppressed,
There’s mercy with the Lord,
And He will surely give you rest,
By trusting in His word.
Only trust Him, only trust Him,
Only trust Him now.
He will save you, He will save you,
He will save you now."