Wednesday, September 12, 2012

OMG - I'm FAT!!!

OR - Thank you for alerting me to the fact that I've put on weight...

Ok, let' be serious, unless you are completely oblivious, or a total idiot - you already know when you've gained weight. Everyone knows. And if you don't know, I admire you. There are truly a handful of people out there that are just UN-self-conscious and I envy and admire that. As for me, I am very aware of body consciousness when I have lost or gained weight. I had always assumed that everyone is like that... so, from my vantage point, a couple of pounds and you are aware, trust me.

You know when you look into a mirror - it's right there in front of you.
You know when you see your "friends'" faces - because they register judgement, or shock, or even may say something.
You know when your clothes don't fit right - and when you need to buy something else to wear.

These are all things that fat people know. Well, maybe not all fat people, but it is certainly something I know. What's sad and sometimes hurtful is what you don't know. You don't always know when and how people talk behind your back. Or more specifically, when they text about you while they are with you to mutual friends. You don't always know when people post things about you - like pictures of you with "funny" captions. So, I guess basically, the sad part is that you don't always know who your real friends are, or are not. But, gain some weight - you'll learn quickly.

I don't blog about this to be "ugly." I am not going to name names for the public, but I am sure you know who you both are. I get that it might have gotten you a good laugh and maybe you thought it was funny, but it's not. And I appreciate the well-meaning friend that told me - who was even hurt and angry on my behalf!! But, the truth is that I have much more important things happening in my life than this. Things that are happening for me and to me. Things that are more important than this impropriety of so-called "friends," more important than me being "fat." For instance, I am working a difficult and intensive life makeover and I have so much more going on... my career(s), my writing, my music, my art.... Hell, even my personal dramatic life and adventures... my successes, my spectacular failures! There are just so many things to talk about... why focus on just my waist or my clothing size? And the bottom line truly is - I can lose the weight. I can become healthy or fit, or even skinny again, but neither of you will never be as cool or as good as I once thought you were. Ever. Why not text about that next time. Why not post pictures of your husband getting fired for drugs from the easiest place on earth to work? Or the fact that if his parents didn't have money... you two couldn't survive on your shop girl salary while he smokes pot and plays video games?? That's a pic worth posting. :) Or how about a picture to post about the fact that you take pills every day just to survive your emotional trauma and how your mom's a hot mess. Post pics of you taking from the register at work and helping your drug addicted friend to become even more entrenched in their disease. Or, if you are a Sneaky Texter - text about your penchant for taking hand me downs in clothes, cars... hell, even lovers next time. Text about your trips out of town to exchange sexual favors for designer clothes. Text about how you become a chameleon for every lover and only take on the traits they approve of, instead of ever being true to yourself. Or if the two of you can't come up with better things than that - or don't want to put your own lives out to the public... There are so many colossally stupid things I've done to post about or text about. Text about my famously failed relationships, my tendency to be a total cuntzilla, or even my lack of emotional connectivity to almost any person - you know, "real" things I need to work on. Text about the "real" things that I do that need scrutiny... be a little more creative than just talking about my inflated size.

Now, truly, and sincerely - I don't say any of that to be ugly. I am only bringing it up, because I am baffled that for two people with so many of their own skeletons, it's amazing how they'd pick ME to talk about. And do pick such a superficial topic about me (of all people) is silly. I already know I'm fatter than before. I know I've gained weight, bulked up, and need to lose weight.

Why? I know this because I am not a total fucking idiot.

I have eyes and a brain and can see and feel and hear. But, maybe that's not enough. Maybe I did need these events to happen (both in the same week). I now also know this because the fag hag of an ex-lover posted a picture of me with derogatory remarks on it. I now also know this because someone I considered a friend sent text messages about me and my fat to another friend while I was at the table - right in front of me. Maybe I should thank the two people - I mean... when you think about it - thank God someone had the sense to tell me I was fat. Otherwise, I might not have ever known!!! I dunno, even thinking about this, writing this, or dealing with this seems a little bit petty to me. But, if I don't deal with it head on and in my typical "MK" fashion... then I think I'll hold a grudge, let it build up and let it affect me - which is something I definitely do not want. Furthermore, with my new life plan in place and the changes I am enacting on my person, and about my relationships to all of those around me, this might be the best thing that could've happened. Maybe it's a good thing that I've learned this lesson the hard way. This might be God's or the universe's big test of me to see if I'll stick to emotionally purging old baggage and hurts - even if they come up and are new. The bottom line is that I need to forgive these people for what they've done because it is technically none of my business and I'd likely have never known if a well-meaning mutual friend had not told me to wary of this person. The real laugh is that the person only told me because I was taking up for Sneaky Texter when someone else was speaking poorly of them. THEN I was informed that I looked quite stupid to take up for someone that was bad-mouthing me. Who knows... maybe it would be better for my psyche if I had not known. But I DO know, and that's okay too. I know, it's ill-timed for my life makeover and it's hurtful what the two people said and did. So, I have a choice - be what I want to be and move forward, or hold a grudge and be ugly about it. I am going to choose to move forward because it will only hurt me to hold a grudge and only hold me down to hate or have the negativity around me.

That isn't easy for me. My natural state is pretty bitchy and I tend to embrace confrontation vs. shy away from confrontation. And it makes me wonder - since one of the people had been heavier before - why? WHY would they do that. I've helped them in the past. I've let them stay with me. I've housed their belongings. I've cleaned up their messes and hid them from crazy exes. So, why make fun of me? What's the enjoyment or pleasure? What's the benefit or emotional payoff? And why am I hurt? They technically did not lie. The truth is that I have gained weight - too much weight. But it's not like I don't know that or haven't been honest about it. I haven't run around town it clothes that are too small and pretended to be the hottest cock on two legs... Maybe some people were born to be heavier or naturally carry more fat. That doesn't mean it's okay or healthy, but it's just some body types and some genetics. And per some studies, maybe some people's healthy place is at a higher BMI. Other studies say the opposite. But what is right? What is real? What is the answer? There are some people that just never lose weight easily or naturally. Some people were born big, stayed big, and have always been big. Some gain weight after weight loss, because their "natural" resting weight isn't low, and their metabolism is slower, naturally. Some gain weight after they get older. Sedentary lifestyle and age will cause weight gain, loss of muscle, and the addition of fat. Some gain weight through poor diet after emotional trauma, physical trauma, or other issues that cause food to be a comfort... I had/have problems with all three of those. I lost so much weight, and did it in an unhealthy manner. I am getting older and it's harder with travel and jobs to workout and be active. I ended relationships and got fatter and more depressed and ate more and got fatter and more depressed and at more and got fatter and more depressed and ate more... You see the cycle? It sucks. It's stupid, and it's easier to be a drug addict or alcoholic in America than be fat.

I was scrawny and skinny as a child until around age 8. Then I got fat. I was fat in junior high. I've NEVER had a six pack or an 8 pack. I was thin in my face, shoulders and chest, but I've always carried weight on my stomach. Always. I got really fat once. Like, really fat. And to lose that weight, I employed dangerous and destructive eating habits. I was severely bulemic for two years - and it worked. I got way too skinny, then. I got very skinny. And I loved it. It was wonderful. But I threw up everything I ate, took diet pills, and exercised 7 days a week. It ruined my health, my digestive tract, my hair, my teeth... it was detrimental to my mind, my heart, my stomach, my liver, and it has been just awful. And I have the ramifications, health problems, and scars to prove it. So, for me, being skinny or fit wasn't a natural leaning. It was very, very difficult to get there and even more difficult to stay there. Some people are just naturally skinny... (Of course, I hate those types. :)) I think I am somewhat of a combination of issues. I am too sedentary. But a lifestyle of offices, meetings, drinks, dinners, constant travel and sitting, sitting, sitting are just not healthy. I hold only myself responsible for not doing something about that.  My last blood panel showed low testosterone levels that caused other issues as well. It can cause so many other problems besides weight, sluggishness, apathy... Luckily, I have two great doctors and it is since being regulated. And in the past several years I have dealt with one major life shift and upset after another. So, life changes and traumas that caused emotional eating and lack of pride in a healthy diet. That is all my fault, too. I choose what to eat. And it's no one's job to regulate that but my own. It was just bad timing, on top of bad genetics, and unregulated hormonal changes... and all of that is still under my control. So, now what? Well... I am on my Changes Journey and it is up to me to make it work.

And, to be sure... I will make it work. As for those that want to make fun, wish me failure or ill, or are just plain haters... well... Like I said, the nice fact is - I can have hormones regulated. I can workout. I can eat better. I can get healthy. I can even just get skinny if I want. But you will always be you - and you will have to live with that. I am loving who I am becoming - I hope that you can do that as well.



  1. You are amazing, and I love your guts. Whether the outside package of you is scrawny or luscious. And I'm glad you love me in my current luscious state. :)

    1. Thank you. I love your guts, too. Our lusciousness cannot be contained. (I will forever love Charla for that terminology.) And I will always love you (my first adult "real" love, haha...) Muah!

  2. Even though we talked about this, and I am SO PROUD of you for your current successes and goals, I am still rather livid on your behalf. An older sister's instinct never dies. I want to punch them. That wouldn't have an effect on YOUR life journey, would it? It would be cardio for me, thus helping me on my journey. Win-Win. :)

    I love you, Michael.

    1. You are a daily inspiration to me with your school, devotion to health, and your determination for mobility. I love you and no punching is needed. Cleaning out... cleaning out... :) I truly do forgive and love them (well, Sneaky Texter - I love. The old hag can burn in hell. But I need to get rid of negativity. Y'know.)

      LYLAS... oh, wait. :)