I love you. I think you are great. I think that you have unique, special qualities that no one else will ever have. I think your eyes are beautiful. I think that the way you carry yourself is unique. There will never be another human being like you on the face of the planet. You could be someone’s twin, and your unique and personal perspective of the world is still your own. You are the only you that will ever exist. I want you to know that I see you. I do. I really, truly, and honestly “see” you.
Having that sight and being in a sympathetic, but “outside-looking-in” perspective, is hard. I see you, but I am powerless. I see your struggles, and yet, I cannot tell you how to navigate them perfectly. I want to offer support, but without directing you. And I think that the pain you endure is needless, and in some ways, self-inflicted. I am concerned for you. I am worried for you. I pray daily for you. I don’t know how to help you, other than to be a shoulder, and to pray. But I also think that you need to be told a few truths:
- God never makes people to be copies of anything else. I’ve never known any artist that appreciated being told how to create art. I’m sure God gets pretty pissed off when you explain to Him that he made mistakes. I know you share a thousand pictures and inspirational quotes from Instagram about this, but do you read them? Do you believe them? You should.
- I’ve never known you to be secure. Ever. I get that you were raised this way from birth, but you might want to change this before you take this behavior into your golden years. You have stated you know this, but if you are not doing anything real, or measurable to make those changes, you are just talking in circles with the same group of people. What good does that do?
- Life isn’t something that you wait to begin. You won’t be happy “when.” You must make each moment of your journey count. Life will not be any better, or worse, or any more “livable” when:
- You finally pay off your loans
- You get that car
- Your divorce is final
- Your husband comes to his senses about your worth
- You get shoes that make that other heifer eat it!
- You are finally in a relationship
- You get married
- You get a fancier purse
- You have a baby
- You find a better best friend
- Why would you ever give up your dreams for someone else’s dreams? Can they not be accomplished together, as a unit? As a couple? As a “we?” If the answer is no, then that is NOT the couple, “we,” and unit you should be in…
- Men want a Proverbs 31 woman, and we talk, preach, and write books about it. Yet, we rarely talk about what kind of man WE need to be, in order to attract that type of partner. You will never attract a man that is worthy of a Proverbs 31 woman, if you don’t demand it. You can’t “be” a Proverbs 31 woman, and hold that as a standard-bearer, if you allow yourself to be treated as something else. If you don’t require good, fair, and equitable treatment – why would you think you are going to be treated that way?
- Just like you have standards of how you would like to be treated, you should give that respect back. Respect goes two ways, and if you are constantly upset at how others treat you, but never at fault in your mind of how you treat others, then you have some self-reflection time to take.
- Grown women don’t “pretend” something didn’t happen, like they were on a child’s playground. Adults address the issue, and move past it, if possible and applicable. Forgiveness is there for a reason. Trust me, if you are my friend, I will forgive any grievance I have, but I won’t ignore it.
- Generally, you think too much. About everything. Calm your mind, breathe deeply, and understand that as a designed, created, and unique person, you deserve the respect, time, and peace that anyone else deserves. You don’t deserve more, but you don’t deserve less. Not every single thing is about you, your business, or for you. You do not have to expend any energy on what some other man or woman thinks of you. You just don’t. Save yourself the time and frustration.
- If you love someone, that is not always enough. I know that is heartbreaking news, but it is true. Love will not pay your bills. Love will not get you a job. Love will not put food on your table. Love will not make you live for God. Love is a comfort, and a luxury, and an extra. It is not a requirement, nor is it a right or a promise. You have been sold a lie, and you have been sold a fairy tale. You will be happier if you realize that real, true love is hard work and it is something YOU create, not fall into, or out of, or are “blessed” with.
- Love does not always equal faithfulness. I know many men that love their partner, wife, spouse, husband and cheat like dogs. They don’t “mean” it badly. They “love” their partner for all of the home life, and things offered there, but that isn’t always enough. You need to decide you’re your acceptable boundaries are, and how you would expect to be treated, and how you expect your treatment to be received. It’s not all your fault, but it’s not all his either.
- Yes, we like sports. But hear this… it’s because it has numbers and someone wins. That really is why… it’s not some deep rooted sexual thing. It’s not ingrained. It’s genetic and it’s how we are raised to be in power. Sports aren’t about how we FEEL. It’s binary. It’s “did you win, or lose.” Who did better? Who did what to help win? Individual, team, Olympic, whatever… sports are easy because we don’t have to talk for four hours about who said what that made them FEEL badly about a sports. We sportsed our hardest and outsportsed the other sports and won! That’s the basic reason.
- Yes, we think participation trophies are dumb.
- Yes, we agree that it’s dumb to have overly-sensitive men. You don’t really like them either. But you don’t want us to be too distant either. It REALLY does confuse and frustrate us, both as your friends and as the guys you would date.
- You assume that your ability to split a hair seven ways is also something men do. No.
- Men are generally not good people. There are a few good ones. And there are many, many of them that strive to be the best they can. But almost EVERY man is flawed, hard-headed, and reared to be excellent and believe in himself. Men are never raised to constantly berate themselves, diet, feel less than, or fight over things that are superficial. Men are raised to be in power, and feed, and grow. As a partner to that, you need to get over the fact that you, as a woman, are generally raised to keep yourself small, and only reward yourself out of excellence, and not because you deserve to be raised that way to just naturally be powerful and excel. That is an unfortunate lie you have been taught.
- Why would you ever argue or fight in public with another woman? Oh, honey... Facebook, Twitter, and your text messages are public.
- Why would you consider yourself the winner if you "won" the guy in a fight with another woman? You are still the loser in that situation, honey. Your man is trash at that point. And you are not any better off for having "kept" him in that situation.
- Why would you berate another woman on her level of what you deem is acceptable levels of femininity? You hate it when men do that with masculinity? Why would you exhibit the exact behavior?
- Why would you constantly rotate your friends? You seem to constantly be talking about one of us, to the rest of us… I say this in love, but you always talk about your opinion on one person of the day, to all of the rest of the group is noticed, and it’s weird. That’s why people get testy. If you will talk TO us about the others, you will talk ABOUT us to the others, even under the guise of venting.
- You will always be the other woman, until you remove yourself from that position. If he will cheat WITH you, he will cheat ON you. It is not his wife’s fault, it is his fault. Regardless of what she is, or is not, he will never leave her for you. If he does, he will leave YOU for the NEXT one.
- You can proclaim, all day long, that you are a modern, empowered, liberated woman. Great. I think that’s just great. Go for that. Be yourself, be unique, and be excellent. But if you proclaim, that… please live up to that.
- Don’t back down on being a great, empowered lady, if you are just going to cry about being single.
- Don’t claim to be unique and how you are holding out because you deserve it, if you are making a spectacle of yourself in public by dating any old man that will give you 5 minutes of attention.
- Don’t claim that you are excellent and a Daughter of the King, if you are allowing yourself to be used like public toilet, and then wondering why no one thinks you are marriage material, datable, or even respectable.
- I do not think anyone should ever be disrespected, but hear me clearly… if you see a person in a police uniform, you assume they are a policeman. If you see a person in a fire uniform, you assume they are a fireman. If you see someone in a whore uniform, you just naturally assume they’re a whore. Don’t cry foul because someone thinks you are a skank, if you dress, walk, and talk like a skank.
- If you are dating, shacking up, partnered, married, and your partner is beating you. Leave. I made the horrific and awful mistake of allowing someone to hit me, and then I hit back. And then they hit me, and I’d hit back. I should have turned my back, walked away and never looked in the rearview mirror. What happened was that I was brought to that level, acted in a completely irrational, childish, and retaliatory way and I hit back. Some think that’s fine, I don’t. I wish I hadn’t… but if you get hit. You need to move on. Period. The end.
- If you are married, and your husband is cheating on you. Do you find this acceptable?
- No? Leave.
- Yes? Why? Because your pastor told you to wait? Uh, was it a man? Why? Why would someone tell you to take years of mental abuse? Why would they not counsel the offending party to restoration, instead of the VICTIM to adapt to abuse? I don’t understand that. From a male perspective, a man would NEVER take that advice or adapt to mental and emotional abuse.
- Yes? Well, if you are into that, and he does, and you are allowed to, and it’s open and your business… that’s up to you. I don’t think that’s right, and I don’t want to know, but you do you, honey.
- When you have a guy that loves you and does things for you and is kind to you, and treats you well and is interested in you, and you put him in your friend zone… that’s your fault.
- When someone, anyone, tells you who they are, you should pay attention to that and listen to what they’ve said.
- Girls that tell you how hard they go, and how they “keep it real,” are “crazy,” or that they will “cut someone”… well, then listen to them. Heed their warning! They are telling you straight up… and when they turn that ON you… you always act surprised. Stop it.
- Guys that tell you they are not interested are not interested. Stop analyzing every single word of every text, email, FB, or conversation. They said it. Clearly. Not interested. Slips ups, drunk kisses, drunk booty calls, using you like a toilet to get their needs met, and then STILL not committing or making any progress with you won’t change if you invite and encourage that behavior. Why would it? People treat you exactly as you let them.
- Guys that tell you they are interested will ACT like they are interested. Don’t fall for words of love, if no actions of love are behind it.
- You will not always get out of something or someone what you put into something or someone. You are promised that, and you are told that… but I honestly think that’s where your disappointment comes from. That’s not true. Guys learn that from sports, games, and the playground. Just because we train someone doesn’t mean they’ll perform under pressure. And if they can’t, we don’t keep letting them so that their feelings are not hurt. Because then the whole team fails. Girls seem to think that if you train someone, and they fail, then you got let down on a personal level. That had NOTHING to do with you personally. It had NOTHING to do with YOUR situation. Some people will NEVER be a good investment, and NEVER give you what you gave. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, or that you can’t love them with a Godly love, and try to help anyway, but you can’t take it personally.
You are great, just like you are. You are loved, whether you realize it or not, just like you are. You are going to be just fine, even if you can’t see it. And you will THRIVE in the face of some of your obstacles, even if you don’t believe it.
I love you.