As we open this episode of the amazing Dallas, we see JR getting an old fashioned shave. Like from a barber. He and John Ross are talking about everything, and in my opinion...they are sharing a little too much in front of the help. But, whatever. JR gets up, takes the razor from the shaver and lets John Ross know that he is aware of his double crossing, and that Marta, in fact, isn't Marta... John Ross has a look that means he has just shit inside his sexy, sexy pants... and JR has a look that lets him know that he is still the boss. The old lion isn't ready to relinquish his hold just yet. JR's BEST QUOTE: "I learned to fear my daddy." *said while holding a razor to his son's throat*
The next scene either pissed me off or bored me. It's just the creepy brother and sister that have no plot just yet. Blah, blah, blah, shooting bottles. We, as the viewers, won't even know the plot for them until later or probably season two. So... whatever. The lame part is that she is obviously she is falling for Christopher. Poor dumb girl. Why can't bad guys just stay bad? Why do they always have some moral crisis and tear up. And then their creepy sibling reminds them to stay on course. And give them beer. And besides...Christopher is too wrapped up in his ex and their "fraking" to know he's been had.
OK, I will give the old goat this: He's my favorite character from the 80's and from the first three episodes, so far. JR Ewing is quite amazing. And I love me some Larry Hagman. That evil grin, those eyebrows that can act better than Jesse Metcalfe. The next scene we see JR, John Ross, and "Marta" meeting with the REAL buyers of Southfork, the Venezuelans that are fronting them the money under the guise of "Del Sol". JR already knows the truth, and he quickly renegotiates the deal. He is quite amazing. The head Venez-guy tries to test JR, and here is the 2nd BEST QUOTE: "You wanna know the best way to know a man? Talk to his friends and his enemies. My friends? They're in the State House. My enemies? Well, they're gonna be harder to find." I almost spit out my Riesling in the hotel room.
Yawn, the next scene is a tearful Ann twitching next to Bobby in a Doctor's office. Seriously, Bobby's main concern with his cancer treatment is the fact of hair loss? And Bobby is not gonna sell Southfork? Well, that throws a wrench in John Ross's plan to steal it from both Bobby, and his father JR, now doesn't it? Whatever will they do? And not for nothing, but JR just makes the show with his evil, evil ways... you have to love him. So, JR is already making nefarious plans to move back into Southfork. He had is "doctor" call Bobby to state it would be better for his "recovery" to live back at his family home. His doctor was a nursing home patient that wants a steak and a big tittied blonde. Nice. JR gets home. No party, no welcome wagon. He seems kind of disappointed, but in all reality, he shouldn't be too concerned. However, even JR lost his poker face when he walked into Bobby's study and saw.... CLIFF BARNES?? Oh, SHOCKER: CLIFF BARNES is BACK??? OMG And he wants to buy Southfork? Bobby said no, of course, but JR wasn't even somewhat pleasant to Cliff. He noted the years had not been kind, and Cliff and he shot barbs at one another. Which brings me to JR's THIRD BEST QUOTE: "I'll be there when they lay your miserable body in the ground. Listen close, now, I'll be the one dancin' on the dirt overhead." I nearly clapped that's such a good quote. I want that on a tshirt. I want to wear it, I want to have a nemesis JUST so I can say that in a conversation. The line is that good.
Oh, yawn... we are forced to see the crazy, boring and somewhat confusing Rebecca beg the boring, confusing, and hungry looking Elena to be friends. Obviously, this is a ruse of some sort and its not sincere, but we won't know/don't care just yet. Elena is busy being a part time scientist/driller/whore/good girl. And while Sue Ellen is buying her some oil leases, Christopher is using her to mine methane from the ocean floor without causing earthquakes or tsunamis. *I took a nap for a while* So, boring, the creepy wife/sister wants to be friends with that Hispanic girl from the Fast and The Furious. She always looks a little bit like she's hungry, or that she's expecting the worst. Her caps are great though. Oooh, a twist I didn't expect was that Cliff invites Christopher to dinner. They never even get to eat. It moves that fast. Cliff offers Christopher money, and Christopher sees right through that because of the Barnes and Ewing feud. This part kind of made me sad because Cliff REALLY does look like shit. JR was right about that. Also, what I noticed is that Rebecca, Christopher's wife is clueless. She just looks like she can be swayed to do anything. And, she looks like Denise Richards. Well, a Denise Richards with better groomed eyebrows. Obviously, it's complicated.
During the commercial I ordered room service. I had Bistro 300 and it was an amazing chicken/avocado sandwich with Riesling and a side of fruit. Watching Dallas made me want a large red meat steak and bourbon. I miss the excess of the 80's Anyway, commercial over. So, Ann, Bobby's wife, is walking around and catches JR in the barn's storage room. He is looking through old boxes and reminiscing. Ann, being Ann, hears a noise and pulls a gun... Which gives JR's FIFTH BEST QUOTE: "Guns don't seem to have much of an effect on me, darlin'." At that point, I put my wine down and just did a slow clap, by myself, in my hotel room. Good night, that was amazing! So, JR finds Miss Ellie's old journal and gives it to John Ross to begin looking up dirt. He tells him two great things: SIXTH BEST QUOTE: "You are gonna show Bobby that you are my son, tip to tail." This one I just liked. Even though my own father and I don't get along, I am just like him, so that made me nostalgic and it sets up the next scenes for JR, John Ross, and Bobby. AND then in an immediate gift of the writer's for JR, we hear his FOURTH BEST QUOTE: "Nobody gives you power; Real power, is something you take." JR says that his daddy told him that. But I doubt Jock Ewing ever really said that to him. Miss Ellie would have killed him, even though he died in that South American plane crash.
The next scene is dull. It's Christopher and that Rebecca girl, just talking. Yawn. Although, is it just me or is Jesse Metcalf looking a little bloated compared to Joshua/John Ross? That boy is gorgeous. Evil, ambitious, and gorgeous. I think I just might be on the JR/John Ross team. Talent and looks-wise, at least. We immediately get to see the results of JR's digging in storage. He hands John Ross a diary of Miss Ellie's, and John Ross is using it to full advantage. Although, it is brown leather with hammered silver accents. Really, Texas-style. Good Lord, some of the wardrobe and sets are really gonna play up the 80's BIG TEX style, and Shepler's Catalog will be back in business, y'all! John Ross comes in, argues with Bobby about Miss Ellie and her mental state over Jock's death, AND is going to file an injunction. JR and he argue, and JR slaps John Ross, the argument is set up, but you can tell from John's face that he didn't expect to get hit by his daddy... Aww... his poor eyes. Bobby immediately decides to sell Southfork again so that the family won't be torn apart over their home and money. Poor things... Christopher finds out that Bobby falls for it and tries to sell Southfork, which pisses Christopher off because of not only his lack of faith, but also the cancer he didn't tell him about. Mistake, Bob… mistake. And then Christopher and the cook's daughter, Hungry Elena, kiss by accident. For five minutes. He's a newlywed. Classy, Christopher… and you worried that you weren't a Ewing!
John Ross takes some cash to the lawyer, who takes the cash, then asks for more.... millions more. And then the lawyer says Bobby isn't selling. Jesus, this has more twists than Whoopi's hair! Even after that little bit of shellshock, he takes the cash. John Ross just can't win.
To be really, really rich from oil and land, their bedroom at this fabled ranch is quite plain. Blue with some stars as a headboard? Ann needs some help in the decorating business. Where are her gays at? She needs to really rethink that. Also, unrelated to my rant, but integral to the show, Bobby and Ann know more than they are letting on. Bobby knows it was JR that gave John Ross the diary, and he just wants them to all get along. Blah, blah, blah... He's no saint, either. He and Ann pillow talk. The show ends with John Ross talking to his dick - his private dick. He couldn't be helpful on finding any dirt on the lawyer, or the witness to the the lawyer's son's DUI killing, but he DOES find out WHO sent the infamous email that broke Christopher and the cook's daughter Elena up! It was Rebecca that sent that email so long ago... Rebecca, his current wife!