Saturday, June 23, 2012

How To Properly Break Up... With a Psycho

Gay men and lesbians everywhere have been struggling. Not just struggling to survive, or have some semblane of equal rights, but also to get married. We've been so busy trying to be treated fairly and equitably, that we forget that sometimes... the right thing to do is to end a relationship.

Now I, personally, want the technical right to marry, but I don't know if I'll ever exercise that right. However, I have exercised my right to break up - thankfully - many times. And that's what this blog is about...

Unfortunately, not every guy out there takes rejection well. Or with a modicum of dignity. Some can't handle it and may, in fact, go crazy. Out of their head. Off the deep end. Some live in the deep end. You know the types... guys that want to go through your phone, guys that don't want you to look in their closet, or their house, or their freezer. That's a red flag. Don't ignore the gossip about your boyfriend or his exes! Heed those warning signs! If he brags about how he put sugar in an old trick's gas tank because he snubbed him, run! If you hear about how he set his exes bed on fire... with his ex IN it, run!

How to Break Up:
  1. If you need some help in quips or one liners to get the conversation started, go here.
  2. Do it in a well-lit, well-populated public place. Have friends nearby or be surrounded by people you will never see again, just in case it gets ugly. It will probably get ugly, so drop your pretension and your pride - just go to the ugly.
  3. Maybe you don't want to do it in person AT ALL. If you are that kind, then there is a website that can help you by sending a form letter to the person that is no longer the object of your affection.
  4. Don't do it at home, but if you MUST do it at home, hide the sharp objects.
  5. Flatter him. And for ONCE in your life, at least try to sound sincere and don't crack up as you tell him that it's you, not him. That he's too good for you, etc.
  6. Change the locks. Seriously. @fondrenlock from Twitter does a GREAT job of locks. He's very reasonable AND he's a super nice guy.
  7. Apply for the Federal Witness Protection Program.
  8. File a restraining order.
  9. Move. Change your identity.
  10. Fake your own death. Hold a funeral. Write a fabulous obituary about yourself and have it run in the local paper. Now, when I Googled "How to Fake Your Own Death" the list of responses was HUMOROUSLY large. There were 6.5 MILLION responses. And my favorite is the WikiHow.
  11. Join a gang. Have that gang beat the ever living shit out of him. Of course, you'll need to prepare to die young, since you are in a gang now.
  12. If all else fails, bring in The Closer. Bring the heavy hitter, the sharp shooter, the final word: Have your mother break the news to him. Tell your mom that you think you might not be gay anymore and he just won't leave you alone. She'll LOVE getting to do it. :)
However you end up breaking free and getting away from your crazy soon-to-be ex, good luck!


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