Monday, July 9, 2012

Take Me By The Tongue And I'll Show You...

Kiss Me Till Your Drunk and I'll Know You...

I'd been excited with the previews for weeks. Seriously, Claire Mayronne and I were so excited. SO excited. We had planned to see it. We'd invited several ladies and I'd invested in cheap panties to hold so I could toss them at an appropriate moment.

But to be completely upfront, I was not expecting much. I wasn't expecting the actors to be any good, I was expecting it to be mostly gratuitous, and I was expecting to hate myself and want to shower aftewards, much in that way I did after "Showgirls".

I was wrong-ish.

I will be totally honest and admit that I felt completely awkward and sheepish even uttering the words "Magic Mike" to the high school girl behind the ticket counter that wasn't really even old enough to go and see the movie at the local Cinemark Tinseltown Movieplex in Pearl, MS. It ended up being ClaireM, ChristinaT, and myself having a big ole time looking at boys, flirting, and waiting for the fun to begin! And let me just take a moment here to interject that ChristinaT has GAME, boys. She had two of the movie workers ask her for her number and if she'd like to see a "real" Magic Mike... My favorite part? She laughed and said maybe and walked away with free drinks and popcorn.

Anyway, back to the super important movie. I don't know why I felt a twinge of embarrassment. I shouldn't have, given the guiltless zeal with which I sped to such other gal-centric movies as "Dreamgirls" and "Bridesmaids" on their opening weekends. But I do have to remind myself that they weren't cowtowing to the bare, bubbly, beautiful, box-office-bonanza-backsides of Joe Manganiello and Channing Tatum. And I might as well just go ahead and inform you all now, I think Channing is cute. However, I think that Joe Mangienello is one of the most perfect specimens of manhood that God ever saw fit to put on this earth.

My overall score: Totally a 3.5 stars out of 5 stars.

I mean, that's not bad, considering that I was expecting a pecs-and-six-packs version of "Showgirls;"he  so it was nice that they could actually act and there was a thread of premise to the storyline. One might say that it was practically "The Iron Lady" or "The King's Speech," no?

And I am glad that Steven Soderbergh directed this movie. With him at the helm, I figured it would be more than just nonstop stripping. And it was. I liked its look -- since it was based in Tampa and not at all far from my condo there. Claire asked me in the movie: "So, did you know about this? Could we have been extras or stalked them?" I assured her that the local movie industry in Tampa didn't inform me of the presence of Joe M. Otherwise he'd never had left my sight. Florida did look a little washed-out in the cinematography, but it wasn't too dreary. And I enjoyed the focus on personal finance and small-business operations in post-recession America. Plus, of course, the abs, asses 'n' undies.

Claire as a total fetish for the Texan. And I have to admit, McConaughey has got a body that could cut sheet metal into strips. The man is just shredded. His face is looking older, but that body definitely works for me. I can't stand some of his acting, and he is definitely best taken in small doses. But it works for the movie, because he's not the star. Or even the majority of screen time. And his, "Alright, alright, alright" that is now present in EVERY movie he does is kind of like the kick and hig-pitced "Eeeeh heee heee" of Michael Jackson in every fucking song after Thriller. Enough is damn enough. If he gave one more stripper a bro-hug followed by a back slap, I was going to hit the exit. OH, and when he finally has to be the bad guy in that late scene where he is "suddenly sinister"? I would want to use the "R" word here to mean a mentally handicapable special needs child. But I promised several people I would not use that word anymore to describe dumb, stupid or annoying things. I feel good about my life choice in maintaining that promise.

On the flip side to that rant, Channing Tatum's aw-shucks shtick can wear thin, but here I found him mostly charming and believable. And the man can dance. He was definitely at his sexiest when he was onstage and proving that his Step Up moves were his own. My favorite shot of Joe Manganiello was when he was running a G-string through a sewing machine while wearing big horned-rimmed glasses. Nothing about that made me unhappy.

The Kid's sister... ugh. What a crock. While, she could somewhat act, and she's not completely unfortunate looking, I've definitely seen a critical divide over Cody Horn, the most-average-looking medical transcriptionist in the Sunshine State. She plays Alex Pettyfer's protective, judgmental sister.

BREAKING NEWS: Did you know that Cody Horn's father runs the studio that produced Magic Mike? I think we can all begin calling Ms. Horn by her new nickname, "Tori Spelling".

In the end though, haters be danged. I mean, I would be pissy too if someone slept on my couch for free, was rude to my then-boyfriend, ate my food, and then got a job dancing, fucking, and doing drugs. OH, and bought a new truck but failed to pay me back. She's not a bitch, she just got tired of getting screwed over. I liked her. Her scenes with Tatum were way more interesting than the repetitive ones at the strip club.

Overall, I say, "Go see it. Go with someone you will want to dry-hump later."

Also, Joe Mangienello, I want you. In any way possible.


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