Trustworthy Guide - I Still Trust You, Lord

Psalms 32:8-9: "The Lord says, “I will teach you the way you should go; I will instruct you and advise you. Don't be stupid like a horse or a mule, which must be controlled with a bit and bridle to make it submit.”

Ouch. Well, ouch to me anyway.

I am more like the latter in my natural state - I require harsher guidance. I require a bit & bridle. Anyone who is honest will admit that he or she is ill-equipped to go through life alone. We, as humans, just are. Everyone wants a spiritual high. Everyone wants to be needed, used, appreciated, special... Everyone wants to be loved. Not everyone wants to put in the work, time, effort, and sweat-quity to be prepared to be special. To prepare to be used, and be able to fill needs. We get a hint of a whisper of what God wants for us, and we want it NOW.

#NewsFlash: Noah built an ark on dry land, having never seen rain and for decades' worth of hand-blistering, back-breaking work. He was made fun of, he was told he was crazy - until the first rain fell on the face of the planet. But how must that have felt? That way embarrasment makes our faces hot and flushed. We sweat and feel awkward and want to hide or leave a situation. You can't leave a project of that magnitude and proportion. And you can't run from God and responsibility. Moses, after learning that his entire life was a lie, leaving everything, and denouncing a life of privilage and comfort, fought his adopted brother, wandered for 40 years, and yet, STILL, never made it to Canaan. Timing, patience - those were the reasons. Elijah, Elisha, Prophets... all alone time, all told to wait. John the Baptist, cousin of Jesus, spent how long alone in a desert? Jesus, being God with skin on, waited 30 years to do something that must follow a natural oder and must follow God's time - not human, nor the flesh, nor Earth's time. Even Jesus went away and spent some alone time in the desert.

What makes us think we are unique, special, and deserve the immediate answer and attention of Almight God? Our all-knowing God created us with a need for His guidance. In our own strength, knowledge, and reasoning power, we are simply not able to figure out how to make the wisest decisions. I am living proof with my history of instant gratification and my need for immediate answers and resolutions. Trust me, though, the Lord’s assuring hand at our shoulder can lead us down right paths to good choices. More than that, the Lord is willing and able to guide us, if we will let Him. It isn’t difficult to fall in step with Him. Acknowledge that you have wandered down paths of life that led to sin and disobedience.

I have friends from all walks of life. Friends from well-to-do privilege and an insulated place high above what many of us realize is a very real, cold, and harsh world. And I friends that would love to even be considered povery level. Friends that know what it is like in the real world with parents that are addicted to meth and that know that "bad things" happen to "good people" and that eating and surviving sometimes involve things we "nice folks" don't want to have to think about. I have friends from every sexuality on the spectrum. Every gender and fluidity of cis-trans-somewhere on a scale. Friends and loved ones from every race, ethnicity, nationality, and every faith... And I love them all dearly. Not for what I think they should be, or if they agree with me. Not for what they would be to me if they choose my faith, or what I believe is true. And how can that be? Because. I choose that. I don't agree with many of them. I don't believe what they beleive and I don't lie, coddle, or pretend to be something or someone I am not - that would be unkind, unfair, and untrue. But I love them. I love them both in and of myself and I love them from my Christian perspective and do wish for them to know what I know, not just in my head, but in my heart. If they never do, I'll still love them. Duh. Why would anyone ever want Christ, the Holy Ghost, or anything to do with being a Christian, if you don't live the tenets of that faith? I've said this before, and I'll repeat it: Being White, Affluent, and Conservative doesn't make you a Christian. Following the Christ, however, does.

But that being said, I know that just beyond our last heartbeat lies eternity. And for me that is a very real and very somber and very sobering thought. I was near there. I was near that place. I have been touched by eternity. I wasn't ready. I wasn't even close to ready. It's not because of what most would assume is sexuality or standards, or TV, or the length of my sleeves, or if I grow a beard. It wasn't because I have had alchohol or smoked a cigarette. It wasn't because of the company I kept, or didn't keep. That's superficial. That's not my heart, nor my salvation point. But know this, God knows, and I wasn't ready. I wasn't a cheater. I wasn't a drug addict. I wasn't even a bad drunk. I didn't lie to work, or loved ones. I didn't purposefully find things to hurt people. I didn't even really want to be "bad." But that's not really the point, either. I "tried." I tried really hard. I worked hard. I made money. I paid my bills and I even tithed. I did lots of the right things. Lots and lots. But I wasn't ready. I wasn't real. I was lukewarm. I wouldn't have been one of those that heard "Well done." I didn't give God water. I didn't feed God. I didn't see that God was cold and clothe and nurture God. I was complacent. I thought that if I worked myself to death to pay a bill, why didn't eveyrone? I judged. Harshly. I thought unkind things, and usually even spoke them. I was superior in my own mind. I was "good enough." I used my talents and blessings on vanity and selfishness. I squandered what could have been years doing the right thing, vs. doing things right. There is a difference in wanting to pray through and be used and on a platform, than realizing that the cross is your only true and real salvation - that death is near and you are not ready. Knowing that death would be the end of something and that the next steps are not ones you want to take. There is a vast difference in knowing that you have wasted time and years and gifts and then been given a true, real, honest second chance - that God doesn't hold a grudge, take your gift away, take your calling away, and take your life for your sin. Even when He should have and would have been well within any right to do so. It's even more humbling when you realize that God will hug you, wipe your eyes, chastise you in Love, and tell you that you still have to do what he told you to do so long ago. That you are still required to submit, love, live, and go forth... Sometimes God is funny. Not, funny "haha."

This entire post will make sense to very few... and that's okay, too. I trust that this level of me being this honest and this "naked" will help whoever it is supposed to help. That’s where our Savior is pointing us, right? Help each other? The days are short? Lean on me? The path may not be clear to our eyes, but Jesus is leading us there with a steady and sure hand, I have to beleive that. Our part is to follow in obedience. I am on a journey. I am learning literally moment by moment. I am restructuring and relearning. And I am praying for trust.

I love y'all.

I Still Trust You, Lord

Only Trust Him

Today is bittersweet.

I've spent two weeks recuperating, resting, and restoring myself. I've spent Christmas and New Year with family and loved ones. I've done a lot of soul searching. I've reached out to the past, reconciled old hurts, and begun the process of repentance for a life spent in selfish vanity. I've taken communion with my sweet family, got to hear my Momma pray a prayer that would raise the hair on the back of your neck, and gotten to be in service with precious loved ones and cousins.

I've seen the hand of God touch me and literally heal me in the past weeks. We always hear of others far off. We always think it's someone's cousin's little sister's roommate from junior camp in Texas somewhere that gets truly healed, or touched by God. Or one of the Bournes. It's never us. Well, this time it was me. God's chased me since I was a child, and He's never faltered. It's odd to be this lucid, and see things this clearly, and feel this much wonder.

I'm changed. Forever changed. Forgiven. Called. Commissioned. And, embarrassingly enough to admit, scared. What is your reaction to realizing you've run from God? Wasted resources? Not been a very good steward? What do you do when the supernatural touches your life, gives you an unmerited gift, restores what you've abused, and offers peace and grace?

I'm sitting in an airport... crying... and wondering what in the world my next steps are. I'm in a peaceful turmoil. I am so sad to leave my family. I am not thrilled to return to my privileged and selfish life and begin the real work of dismantling bad habits, bad decisions, repair relationships, and move forward in grace and fulfill callings I've long-enough ignored. Yet, I'm blessed. I'm peaceful. I keep running over in my head that I am loved, and protected. I am in God's will, so what's with the anxiety and stress? And then I remember that I still have 20 years of consequences, reparations and many, many things to disentangle from my life. I feel partially like Joseph, having been sent on a difficult, but ultimately, rewarding, multi-decade detour. And partially like the prodigal son.

God made good on His end and healed me physically - you'd think that would be the hard part... The next steps, moments, hours, and days are for what I covet prayer. I'm humming this to myself today, "Only Trust Him," over and over. That, while so simple, is my best and next step. And the next. And the next.

"Come, every soul by sin oppressed,
There’s mercy with the Lord,
And He will surely give you rest,
By trusting in His word.
Only trust Him, only trust Him,
Only trust Him now.
He will save you, He will save you,
He will save you now."

Confidants, Constituents, and Comrades...

Sometimes old sermons are still the best sermons. And this is good stuff!! Good preaching, yes... but really good teaching as well. I know that I needed this today. You have a destiny and a dream God has given you... and you wont' get there alone. You will have:

• Confidants (those for you, and that you are completely in sync with. They are those that will be with you through good or bad, ups and downs, and will be there regardless.)
• Constituents (those that are for what you are for. They agree with your causes and what you stand for. They are not necessarily for YOU, and they will follow the next person that aligns with their belief or cause.)
• Comrades (Those not for you, or your dream or cause, but they are against what you are against. They will join with you to fight a greater enemy. They come and go.)

This applies to Church, Life, Family, Friends, Work... You can see and administer this wisdom throughout many areas of your life. You will need people, regardless of how many times you try to make it alone. The honest truth is that you can't make it in this life alone. You will need all three at different times and God will show you, whether at a family reunion that makes you grit your teeth or if you are in a difficult project at work. There will be those that see your vision and dream, and there will be those that only join in to defeat a different failure or enemy. Don't let that break your heart. See people honestly and categorize them where needed, but... always know the difference.

Cheers,
#JustBeingMichael ツ

"Quit reading peoples' opinions on the Word of God, and read the Word of God." --Dedie Cooley

I'm all for study. I'm all for reading and sharing ideas of study. I like reading others' opinions and what they have studied. But... And here is where I LOVE this quote... at some point - you have to determine in yourself what scripture means to you, and for you.

You can read the Cliff's Notes for any great work of literature, but you won't get the same impact as if you read the literature for yourself. You can read someone's review of a film, book, or television show - but it's not the same as watching for yourself and determining what it meant to you... how it affected you.

Scripture is deeply personal, and how it affects you, and how you interpret and apply that scripture is just as personal. Yes, it takes more time, and more study. Yes, it is harder, and it requires lots of boring cross-referencing and lots of application. But the result is a much more intimate and the end result is a much more in-depth knowledge of "what you know."

One unexpected side-effect is that you also become less insecure about other people having the right to their own beliefs. If you know a scripture, and live a scripture, and trust what you've read and researched, a picture on Facebook, a quote from someone that people misuse, and other people freely practicing their own religious beliefs tend to not bother you as much. Why? Because YOU have done your work, your own "homework" and you don't feel the need to react negatively to every piece of "information" that "threatens" your beliefs. Your foundation is secure, and your beliefs are secure due to your study and your sweat equity you have invested in them. Everyone is entitled to research, believe, and live as their conscience dictates to them.

Peace and love, y'all.

ツ✔ Cheers, #JustBeingMichael ツ

Decide

What do you want to do with your life? Everyone wants to be healthy, safe, and relatively happy. They want their loved ones to be healthy, safe, and relatively happy. But what do YOU want out of life? This question has been plaguing me for weeks. What do I want? I am afforded options. I have directions and paths to choose from. Soo, what do I want? In a perfect world – I’d whine about my first world problem. I’d cry to friends and expect sympathy – but I am out of sympathy. I’m especially out of sympathy for myself. I feel like I’m out of sympathy for others, at times, as well… I have lain awake nights, recently, pondering this. Pondering my “dilemma” and next steps… What do I want? What DO I want? What do I WANT?

Here is what I know: We’re all gonna die. That much is a given. No one gets out alive, ever. And, for the most part, as a general rule, we don’t get to say when. We don’t get to say how. We don’t usually have the luxury of choice in death. That may seem sad, but I think it is kind of comforting to know that the one great constant, and one great “leveler-of-persons” is death. No, it’s true – we don’t get to decide. But, we do get to decide how we’re gonna live.

So do it. Decide.

Is this the life you wanna live? Are you a stranger in your own life? Are you participating in the navigation of your own life? Are you happy? Do you like yourself? Do you want to change? Is this the person you wanna love? Is this the relationship you wanna be in? Is this how you treat your partner? Is this how you allow yourself to be treated?

Is this the best you can be? Can you make better choices? Can you love yourself enough to decide what you will and won’t allow yourself to suffer? Can you be stronger? More steadfast? Consistent? Bolder? Wiser? Kinder? More compassionate?

Decide. Take a deep breathe in. Breathe out, and then… decide.

#DailyProverbs 1

#DailyProverbs 1: 29-33 “You have never had any use for knowledge and have always refused to obey the Lord. You have never wanted my advice or paid any attention when I corrected you. So then, you will get what you deserve, and your own actions will make you sick. Inexperienced people die because they reject wisdom. Stupid people are destroyed by their own lack of concern. But whoever listens to me will have security. He will be safe, with no reason to be afraid.”

Pretty harsh stuff… or is it?

Many Christians of the conservative variety often use Proverbs as a warning, or more sadly, as a weapon. But I don’t think Solomon, nor David, meant it that way. At all. And while I believe that there should be a firm separation between Church and State, I also think that personal faith does direct how we interact with the world around us. Personal faith drives how we live, how we treat people, how we vote, how we work, and how we make our decisions. No? Well, think that if you want – but your personal faith, or lack thereof, directly affect your hour-to-hour daily life.

Your character, your morality, your perception – they are all driven by your faith. Or for some, your professed lack of faith. Abrahamic religions (the main big three with Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) definitely lay out scriptural reference to character traits to which followers should aspire. Atheists – while not following scripture, may follow moral codes that prevent things such as murder, theft, law, science… Agnostics may question the ability to know a God, still follow the laws of man and still abide by law and ethics. Which brings me to my point: We, as a people, need to know what we believe, and seek knowledge and truth about it.

That being said, I lay a foundation for my platform today: I encourage you to research your faith, know your faith, and with wisdom and love, practice your faith. Merely “hearing” others talk about it, or [correctly or incorrectly] regurgitating what you’ve been told or “raised with” doesn’t suffice. Faith is a personal thing that you live, not just a book you dust off when you need it. Maybe you don’t agree with how I live my life – that’s my personal faith at work. And that’s my responsibility to my God and me to work out. Maybe you think that others have it wrong. There is nothing wrong with responsibly and respectfully sharing your faith – I do that daily. But others have a responsibility to their knowledge of God and themselves to work out. They have to live their faith. Maybe you have friends that don’t accept ANY religion’s “faith.” That, too, is their prerogative and they have to live their personal belief structure and be responsible TO and FOR themselves.

There is nothing more sad than to remain purposefully ignorant due to comfort. Study your faith. Know your faith. Know your beliefs and WHY you believe them. Proverbs tells both Jews and Christians that we are to covet, love, and seek out wisdom, understanding and truth. It also tells us that there are consequences for our actions. That’s true of everyone, and is a great common denominator in the world. If you touch something hot, you get burned. You may get seriously hurt – but you probably won’t do it more than once. If you do, well… then don’t heed wisdom and earn your consequences. If you don’t study for a test, you won’t pass. If you don’t perform at work, you likely won’t keep that job very long. If you don’t interact and care for your relationships, they probably won’t last. If you lie, you will get called a liar. If you steal, you will be known as a thief. If you allow your fellow man and neighbors to suffer and go without, you will probably not be rewarded or helped when YOUR turn comes…

I don’t think that every bad thing happens to someone as a result of some “evil” they’ve done – but I do think that the MAJORITY of the problems we have as a human race are a direct result of our OWN actions or inactions.

Be informed. Be active in your search for knowledge. Gain wisdom, if possible. But don’t take everyone – even or especially me – at face value. Challenge ideas, read and learn, practice an active faith that involves you and encourages you and causes a reaction in you. You won’t ever regret doing that. You will, however, regret NOT doing that.

Cheers ツ

#JustBeingMichael ツ

Mother's Day

-or-

Momma, I DO Try To Make You Proud

You cannot be a truly good Southern boy and not love your Momma and your Mamaw. That’s just fact. I hear so many people these days talk about their mothers in such negative terms. I think that’s just a crime – a TRAVESTY – if you will. Mommas may not always be the best people, but that’s because they are probably not Southern. I didn’t say all Mommas were perfect. But I implied that nearly all Southern-bred, born-and-raised Mommas are! (Because they just are…)

All of that leads me to the very interesting and intriguing task that I currently have at hand – I am sitting down and actually, on purpose, writing a sweet and true blog about my Momma. I didn’t want to at first, because she and I are SO much alike. It’s difficult to examine a thing and to want to describe it in both glory and gory detail – only to realize that you might as well be looking into a very, very magnified and high-definition mirror. So, I tend to focus on my Momma’s best qualities and her funny antics… because that’s what I like best about my own.

Truthfully, I almost made this blog more like an ode or a haiku-based thing. But, my Momma deserves a little more than that. Oh, my stories are just full of her mischief and her particular brand of homespun goodness. She’s a handful, and she’s sassy and spoiled. But she is one of the biggest parts of my heart and I love her. So, Momma, as MUCH as I rag on you, and tell ALL of our business, this one is just for you:

LaNita Sue was born and raised in Smith County, Mississippi. She was a princess. She was the incredibly gifted and talented first child AND grandchild of two sets of families. My grandfather was the eldest of his siblings, and the patriarch of our two families. And my grandmother was the eldest of her siblings, and the undisputed matriarch of her family. So, my Momma, was in fact born pretty much a princess. If hardworking, truck-driving, plantation-farmer’s daughters can be a princess. (They can. They most certainly can.) Yes, they had the country house, and yes, my Papaw James was a man that could make some money and put food on the table and sable on his daughter’s back, but it was a simple life. Now, that’s not to say it wasn’t without its ups and downs, but it was a good life – a simple, southern, good life.

Trust me, in this family and as one of the children of a child that had this kind of upbringing, that’s easier said than done to have a good, simple, southern life. We are all characters and we are all head strong, proud and independently CO-dependent on one another. But let’s face it, life can be more welcoming and certainly more genteel when your daddy has land and chunk of change; you have a sable; you are a talented debutante; and you sweep the categories in your high school’s “Most…” list every year. (That’s not an embellishment or an exaggeration.) I still, STILL, laugh and cherish my mother’s Senior High School Yearbook. She won every single thing. (Well, everything but friendliest. Some bitch won that one - I’m sure she’s not a bitch, but that marred the record.) And you have to understand, my mother is one those incredible people that can light up a room, just by being there. She is funny, she is personable, and she is exciting. But she is “unavailable”. My mother once explained to me that she was perfectly happy getting Miss Congeniality instead of Friendliest.

“Why wouldn’t you want that, too?” I asked, incredulous that her competitive nature had waned. I know that personally, my competitive nature in High School and College was spot on. I wanted to be in everything. I wanted to be INVOLVED in everything. And I was. If I wasn’t, I usually found out where, when, why, who, and how.

“Well, son, because with one, you just had to have manners and act like you were raised right”, she instructed. “You don’t have to actually care or listen to people drone on and on and on…”

That is the essence of it. That is almost the essence of her. And it was a lesson that stuck. You can give and give and give, but you have to save something for you. You have to take care of yourself and ensure that you save something to rejuvenate and regenerate with… so, that you can give more again later. (She also taught me this lesson spiritually later on in life when she and I would talk about singing, playing, and praying for people.) Still, I was floored. I know I’M competitive and I love recognition. But she won Miss BHS, Best Dressed, Most Popular, Most Talented, Most Congenial, She was Prom Queen, Homecoming Queen. I mean, the lady had a skill set that was IMPRESSIVE.

And to give credit where it truly belongs, my Mamaw Sue had a lot to do with that. My Grand Great Aunt Myrt (short for Myrtis) and my grandmother raised my mother. My grandmother was a go-getter for the 1940’s. She was not a stay-at-home wife and mother. She was an original Steel Magnolia. Faced with a husband in the war, and when he returned partially disabled. She hiked up her skirts and she found out exactly how to survive. She was a surgical nurse, she worked at a plant, and she helped on my grandfather’s farm. She was quite a woman. And she got her Aunt to move in and help with my mother, and eventually, my sister, and then, with me. She helped make my mother the debutante she became. I just wanted those women to get the props that they deserved for helping to not only create, but shape and celebrate the woman my mother would become. In hearing my Momma reminisce about those times, you can tell she was loved, and happy.

And later, as with all princesses, they get courted. They get suitors, and they get chased. My mother was no exception. She had her share of men that wanted to date her. And her parents were pretty careful about who they would let her date. However, Momma eventually found Daddy. She met, fell in love with, and married my natural father. Like any good woman, she knew her place and immediately set up a house and began having babies… I’m JUST kidding. I just wanted to make sure you, Reader, were awake and paying attention the words I actually put out. No, Momma was kind of progressive for a child of the 50’s/60’s. She totally started her own beauty salon business and was the bread winner. Now, my Dad was no slacker – there was a reason she was attracted to him. Dad’s family had some money, but nothing major, but his father owned his own mechanic business. My paternal grandmother was an impressively beautiful and exotic creature. She and I were not what I would consider “close”, but she was a woman to be reckoned with. Her style and lifestyle were legendary around the town they lived in, and my grandfather took care of her and kept her happy. My father, Dad had inherited his mother’s good looks, charm, and wit. Dad was definitely funny. He was quick witted, and he knew how to work and make a dollar. He has done everything from drive a truck to work in a plant, to start his own brokerage. The man has a mind on him. Or did, but that’s a different story and another tale.

So, much like Pac-Man, and Ms. Pac-Man, they meet, they fall in love…

…they produce amazing children. Now, I was not present for the birth of my older sister Dawne or any other siblings, really. I can only speculate and define what I know from MY childhood with my mother. I am my mother’s baby. THE baby. The BABY! And I love it. I love that for her, I am the one that broke the mold, that was the end all be all of what she thought she could create. And I have a feeling, I was not expected. J Not at accident, per se, just… a surprise. But, what a damn awesome surprise! I know my other brothers, sisters, and steps, halfs, everyone really… they roll their eyes, they groan, but they know it: I am spoiled. And I was the baby child on one family, the ONLY boy on the other, and the BABY BOY on another. That kind of status brings POWER, bitches. Recognize. I. Love. Every. Minute. Of. It.

In conversations with my oldest sister Dawne, she and Momma were not very close when she was little. According to them both, at times there were just tons of conflict. I can’t imagine why!! Dawne was a very headstrong, independent, and opinionated child. I mean, seriously, two alpha females are never going to get along perfectly. It just doesn’t happen. Dawne and Momma have always been… complicated. However, now that we are all grown adults and people have children of their own; we all get along, and we all laugh about all of the struggle. But going through it always seems harder than the memory of the pain or the… conflict,.. or the appearance of things. I am very grateful and even somewhat relieved that they are so close now. Jealous? Eh, normally, I’d find a way to be the favorite, but Dawne does deserve some LaNita quality time. It can make you feel like you are the center of the universe when our Momma turns that smile on you and asks you questions about your life and is truly interested in you. It makes you feel safe, and happy, and warm. I’ve had that my entire life from her. Hell, I learned at her feet how to be just like her and how to make others feel that way. So, no… I’m not jealous that Dawne gets that now. I am thrilled.

All of that being said, and it being truly – just what it is – I had a very, very nearly ideallic childhood. Now, there are moments in my childhood that are hilarious. Moments that are embarrassing for my mother (the time I chose to use the bathroom in the parking lot at church during a softball game because “they wouldn’t take me to the bathroom”) Or times I think made me trust people less. (Like the time that both Momma and Daddy thought the other one had me and left me at church on the pew asleep). There are times that are sad. (when we lost Mamaw Claire (great grandmother) and when my father lost my Papaw Burl). When there were deaths, when there births, when there were just any happenings… Our Family always were there. We were there for literally everything. We were there for graduations, for hospitals, for parties. I can say I grew up RIGHT. My Momma took me everywhere with her. Not very many baby sitters, not very many times my parents went places that they couldn’t just throw me on a hip, and I went to. Even as a small child, I can remember the bands and quartets my Momma played in. She could sing, she could play, she could talk. She was just very, very talented. I can remember the people coming to the house for dinner, drinks, and to sit around and sing and play. It was pretty amazing to sit at the feet of some pretty awesomely talented people. That was one of the first times I learned how to dance. People in the living room, playing music, and Momma had little boy me stand on her feet and sway. She told me that my Daddy didn’t have anything on my dancing. I remember that clearly. She had a way of making me feel like I was the only child. It was rare, because it’s hard to get her full attention, but when you do… everything else goes away for a while and you sit there and just want more of it.

This kind of life was the norm. It was beautiful. It was fun. At least for a while… Then they divorced. I didn’t understand the concept of divorce when I was little. I was precocious. I was smart. And I was kind of a smart ass, but I wasn’t very “deep” emotionally. I mainly focused on me. (Some might say that not very much has changed.) My father was, like I said, a beautiful and charming man, but he was also a whore. A man slut. He was just not great at being present for others. (I inherited that quality – I have to fight against it EVERY single day) and he was just not a great husband to her, or a father to me. He loved us. Yes, he did. He is a man of dreams and wants and he envisions (in conversations) of being a hands on great dad, but the reality is that he just isn’t. Unless you can benefit him. So, clearly, here… she showed that she was only human and could make mistakes. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad they met and had sex, and made me. But, my Lord and God, could two people have ever been more wrong for one another. They were both popular and beautiful. They were Mr. And Mrs. Everything. But they were both selfish and spoiled people that just didn’t need to be together, at least after years of my father and his shenanigans. I am so grateful that God saw fit to let them divorce when I was young and still allow my Momma to bloom and blossom and eventually follow her path to something that made her perfectly happy!

I have to be nekkid honest with you, Reader. Growing up, I can’t say that I ever had a great male role model, No great father figure. I was confused about my own father, because I didn’t have the emotional capacity to reconcile words and actions. It never dawned on me that people lied or that you couldn’t say what you meant. Guile and little white lies didn’t really exist for me until my parents’ divorce. I had always said exactly what I thought. I got my ass whipped quite a bit (for instance, when I interrupted church to let my mother know while she was on the piano that the bathroom was out of toilet paper, and I needed to be wiped before we could go on with service), but I was a mischievous and willful child. I never exactly “clicked” with my natural father because, he expected people to give him his way and be in awe (this, sadly, is not an exaggeration or embellishment. He would bark at people and Dawne and my younger half sisters just acted like that was the end of the world). I just never was. My sister WORSHIPPED him during childhood, and up to her teen years. Don’t get me wrong, I loved and still love my Daddy, but I just never saw the big deal with him after the divorce. It was the first time I can remember an adult lying to me to my face and expecting me to believe them just because I was little. I was eight years old and I cried because he really thought I was going to just buy into it. My first great heartbreak and my first taste of disappointment when adults don’t quite act like adults. And then I had a pretty shitty first stepfather. I’ll tell that story one day. Momma and I have agreed I can tell it one day when we both reconcile all of our emotions about some of the things that happened. This is why I still don’t trust male authority figures to this day. Through no fault of her own, she gave me situations where I had to learn to be my own person (even more than I was). And to be honest, that has helped me so much more than she’ll ever know. I know that at times she felt badly that she and my Daddy didn’t work out. And she still feels guilty that she married a man no one in her family wanted her to marry, and then the situation turned so abusive and volatile. But trust me, I am fine. I am better than fine.

It was even BECAUSE of some of those situations and not IN SPITE of those situations that I learned just how to be me, do me, take care of me, and ensure that I never lose my voice or my place again. I won’t ever. It sucks for my partners or lovers, because I never back down and I never give in. Eh, who cares… compromise is overrated. Right? Even though this topic may not be quite as funny, I’ll just say this for myself, and in praise of my Momma: I'm glad that she taught me not to hate men for what they weren't, but to love them for what they were - to just give it over to God in matters of family and heartache.

I guess you just have to give some credit where credit is due. I am always talking or writing about my Momma and my Mamaw, and I love them. But sometimes, it’s better to not be quite so flip and funny and to really tell it like it is: I appreciate the southern gothic and crazy family I was born into. I can finally love and revel in their love in ways I didn’t always treasure the way I do now. Now, I can sit on a porch, drink some tea, and just “be” with family in a way, that my younger self could not. I had something in me that drove me to run, to always achieve, and to do even more. I give full credit for the person I became to LaNita Sue. She was Momma – a nurturer and the one that could make my tears stop. Or just be a soft shoulder when I needed it. She was Daddy – there were several years where she and I just had each other when everyone else was somewhere else and she had to be the one that helped me put on football pads and learn tennis. She was provider, consoler, parent, and friend. There were times in my life when she was (literally, and that wasn’t fun) my teacher, (not literally) my cheerleader, costume designer. There was just NOTHING she couldn’t or wouldn’t do or help me with.

She is talented. She is faithful. She is an example.

Everyone always talks about my mother's talent and beauty, but that's not why I'm the most proud of her. I'm so glad for a Momma that knew how to get up and do for herself when men or situations seemed to knock her down. I am so glad for a Momma that knew how to get back down on her knees and pray for the things that only God could give us. I'm so glad for a Momma that taught me to do my best, and hope for the rest. I'm so glad for a Momma that told me from a very young age that we could call out to a God that would listen when no one else would.

I know, I know, this blog is getting long and usually all of my material is so funny. And this had its funny moments. And its serious ones, and its sad ones… just like Momma! LaNita, I know you have a hundred things to do and probably will never read this blog, but if you do… Honey, I am SO PROUD to have come from you and to have ended up so SCARILY like you.

Happy Mother’s Day!!!

Cheers,

JustBeingMichael