The Hope of Peace

What would you give for peace?

I don't mean your pageant answer or your impressive exposition for a public that adores you. I mean, what would you give for peace of mind? What would you pay, besides your current pharmacy and physician bills, to sleep the sleep of the worry-free? What is it worth to you to rest in childlike faith and know that you are cared for, loved, and that everything will be okay? Think about that. Take a second and really think. Ponder on this. Close your eyes, breathe in, and think: What if I didn't have to worry about ______?

Fill in that blank.

Fill in that blank and think about how much you would borrow, beg, steal and give away to have peace in your mind. Peace in your heart. Peace in your soul. You, see, as believers, we are "At Peace with God" - Romans 5:1: "Now that we have been put right with God through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ."

I am reminded of the song, "It Is Well With My Soul." The story of the writer is beautiful. And while I cannot fathom the trials he went through to be able to pen and write that song, it's amazing to me that it could be written, at all:

"When Peace, like a river, attendeth my way.

When sorrows, like sea billows, roll.

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul."

My own life is a testimony in the search for peace. If you ever need a lesson in how NOT to use your life for God, look to Michael Kennedy: Waste. Selfishness. Vanity. Escapism. Hedonism. If you can think of it, I've probably tried it. But... peace? kindness? love? grace? No. I didn't know them. I've spent my life, even during my formative years in church, searching. Searching for ways to blend in, searching for ways to see how others had these things, searching for answers and peace. It's vastly different when you meet the source of peace, rather than just know about the peace. I know 1%-ers that would give any amount of money to be able to be breathe deeply and have peace. I know people stricken with illness after illness that would sell all of their belongings to have peace of mind and be well. I know people in poverty that would, by any means necessary - legal or not, give anything they had to have a moment of peace that security can afford. But you cannot buy peace. You cannot sell peace. You cannot trade for peace.

Despite humankind's best efforts, the world's longing for peace remains unfulfilled. Each new generation has higher and higher hopes for peace. We, as a people, and as the human race have longed for reconciliation among people and nations but in the end, we all end up facing disappointment. Daily, the news seems to bring more and more bad news. One day Christ will return and one day, peace will reign. Until then, believers are called to be His ambassadors of peace. Reread that. Until the Rapture, until God comes back, until time ends... we, the believers, are called to be Ambassadors of His Peace. We are his ministers of reconciliation. We are what the world sees when they see Christ. What does the world see when they look at you? Can they tell a difference between you and them? Do your actions, words, and attitude make you seamlessly one with the world? Or does it set you apart? Is there anything in you that should make them want Christ?

Does the love of Christ come from you?
Does kindness and how Christ would treat them come from you?
Does grace and doing what the God of all creation come from you?
Does peace, and the Peace of Christ come from you?
Do you reflect anything worth taking note of?

Or do you reflect other qualities? These are hard questions for hard times. Christ doesn't hate. He doesn't separate. He doesn't divide. He doesn't treat unequally. Christ isn't unkind. He doesn't overlook the addicted, the dirty, the poor. He doesn't overlook the hungry, or the needy. Christ doesn't react without grace and wisdom. Christ doesn't speak in extremes of US and THEM. He doesn't treat Samaritans differently than Jews. He died for Gentiles and Pagans. He died for Pharisees and Sadducees. Christ doesn't promote division and war. Christ provides peace.

Even as "Christians," at times we're quick-tempered and impatient and find it hard to live in harmony with others. But why? If you really believe in God, and trust in Jesus, what wouldn't you do for others and in His name? We may have trouble letting go of attitudes or habits that hurt those around us—and occasionally we don't even want to. But ask yourself why. Only you, inside of yourself can answer what your true motives are for your actions, words, and deeds. In reality, no one wants to think they are a bad person. No one likes to be reprimanded or feel guilt. It's humiliating and we justify and rationalize our works - "we only lied because..., we told that fib to avoid confrontation. We didn't want to have a confrontation in our home, in our family, at work, at the grocery store, at the gas station. We only told that gossip because they needed prayer. We only confirmed that negative truth about a friend that isn't doing very good because we needed to make another friend feel better. We only made fun of her dress because she should have known better than to wear it. We have a million excuses. We have a million reasons. But, God knows our true character and has provided the Holy Ghost to transform us into Jesus' likeness. The Spirit of God opens our minds to understand and apply Scripture. He gives us the power to say no. Hear that. You have the power to say no to things. You are not required to say yes to ungodliness. You have been given the ability, brain, rationale, and intestinal fortitude to replace selfishly-motivated, "me-"centered thinking with a Christ-centered viewpoint. He patiently produces His fruit in us, which includes love, joy, and peace (Gal. 5:22-23). With His help, we can become peacemakers who work to bring about reconciliation between God and others (Matt. 5:9).

We, as believers, have answers. While our world keeps hoping for peace through man's solutions, we know the only source of lasting unity is Jesus. The Lord wants our hearts to be ruled by His peace (Col. 3:15) and our relationships to be marked by a spirit of oneness. Oneness, as children of God, and especially as the people he gave His name to! How encouraged other people will be when they realize it's the transforming power of God in our lives that brings about reconciliation in our marriages, families, and churches. What will they see in your life that draws them to Christ? When you live for God, no one has to ask. When you live for God, you don't have to say a word. When you live for God, you never even have to explain. You just live. Your very life is the witness. It's not details of how short your skirt is. It's not if you wear shorts, or play sports, or drink or smoke, or cuss, or if you like things your grandparents do not. Following God isn't a rulebook of "dos" and "don'ts." I am not recommending that you abuse Grace, but it's not about your hair, your TV, your movies, your music, your makeup or your money. God will work on all of that, and God will convict you and lead you where He wants you to go. But you - your life - are what really and truly draw people.

Where are you today? Are you kind? Do you want kindness? Do you give kindness to others? Do you take time to think about the words you say, how they are perceived and how they'll be interpreted? Or do you carelessly let your actions and words hurt others? You cannot unthrow a stone. You cannot unsay words that have been said. You cannot unhurt people that have been hurt. Be kind, it's never the wrong answer.

Where are you today? Are you peaceful? Do you have peace in your life? Or are you drama-filled and in a constant state of reaction? Do you have time to proactively manage your life? Or are you continually reacting to people, situations, and events? Do you want peace?

You can have peace today. You can know peace in an instant. You can have peace faster than you've ever even dreamed. Regardless of your situation, your burden, or the consequences in life you will have to go through - you can have peace. Here's another verse of "It Is Well.." And this is one that applies to me. It gave me peace, even very recently:

"My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!"

I have peace today. I wasn't given partial peace. I will never earn it, nor will I ever take it for granted again. But hear me - I am peaceful because "not in part, but in whole." Whoever you are, wherever you've been, and whatever comes - I love you, right where you are.

#JustBeingMichael ツ

Searching Till I Found...

I suppose the subtitle of this blog could be "Who Are You?"

I ask that sometimes, when I'm in the mirror... when I am convicted... when I am pricked in my heart over something... I ask that of others sometimes... when I am shocked by an action... when I am shocked or surprised by inaction... or when I see a side that I didn't know existed.

There are two main messages here today:

• Who Are You? You can drown in Christian Service. You can hide behind works. You can even die, and go to hell - forever - while in the very service of Christ.
• Jesus Never Fails. If you search for Him, you will find Him. If you call out to him. He will answer you.

John 13:21
21 After Jesus had said this, he was deeply troubled and declared openly, “I am telling you the truth: one of you is going to betray me.”

22 The disciples looked at one another, completely puzzled about whom he meant.

Yes, we know that the Christ had to be betrayed to fulfill scripture. But, this... technically, was the very First Communion in history. Think about that. Think on the fact that for the first time in history, a group of believers in Jesus broke bread together and he told them that the bread was his body, and the wine was his blood, and that they were to commune and share, and support and believe... together... in His absence. Imagine what that's like at a restaurant when you are all together with friends and you are listening to 4 different conversations and hear a snippet of news between people. It wasn't quiet. It wasn't sermon-esque. It was supper. It was casual. They were lying around talking and eating. They were communing. And then in the verses leading up to verse 21 are where Jesus is talking and explaining that He is God. He'll go away. Terrible things are coming... and then He explains that someone in His very own group will be that someone. It will be someone close... someone in the very room... someone seated at that very table... someone trusted... someone of position... someone that close will be the one that betrays Jesus. Someone that close...

Notice though, it still hurts. Jesus was "troubled in His spirit." And no one knew. In fact, Peter did what almost ANY good Southern lady would do and asked "the disciple that Jesus loved" to ask him directly and report back. And that's what happened. And that's when Jesus directly spoke to Judas. And that is when Satan also entered Judas, and all of his work - not undone, or forgotten - changed in an instant. He wasn't erased. He wasn't not Judas any longer. He probably justified every bit of what he did, in his mind. But, be clear... it was still betrayal and it forever altered the course of his life. He had followed Jesus everywhere. He had seen miracles. He had cast out demons, gone out in the "two-by-two's" of the disciples. He'd been there when Jesus raised the dead, healed the sick, and forgiven sins. He'd been there and seen it with his very own eyes. He held the treasury for the very disciples of God that are purported to be listed on the foundations of New Jerusalem.

What are your reasons? Are you bogged down in Christian Service? Are you concerned with the treasury? Do you see Jesus as the very reason you have salvation? Are you concerned with works? Do you worry more about what others think of you, and what you'll be perceived as? Are you humiliated to think of yourself as equal to the lowest? Do you balk in the fact that we are like the homeless that reek of body odor, or human waste? Our own righteousness is as filthy rags. Does that give you pause? Do you wonder if you are finally good enough because your grandmother, mother, and now you are all generationally attached to the same church and you "do your best?"

No one I've ever met in this life deserves God. Not one. This seems depressing, and it's not great. But it's possible, and it happens every day. I've been raised in church, around church, and loved church my whole life. But "church" doesn't save you. It won't keep you. And it won't make you new. Don't be sad. Don't fret. Don't despair. Listen for the second part of this...

Matthew 26:47
47 Jesus was still speaking when Judas, one of the twelve disciples, arrived. With him was a large crowd armed with swords and clubs and sent by the chief priests and the elders. 48 The traitor had given the crowd a signal: “The man I kiss is the one you want. Arrest him!”

49 Judas went straight to Jesus and said, “Peace be with you, Teacher,” and kissed him.

50 Jesus answered, “Be quick about it, friend!”

Now, I have a many, many friends from every walk of life. Every one. And in conversation, be it at work, the mall, a club, a lounge, a restaurant, in the gym... anyone I've ever "counseled" can attest that I'll be the first to quickly admit that no one is worthy of God. We don't deserve God. YET, let me be the FIRST to stand up and say that the passage in Matthew is the one I'll rest in. It gives me unparalleled hope and reminds me of the grace of Jesus (or , the "Grace" of Jesus, if you are like me and realize that it probably deserves a capital G). Of all the passages I could point to that describe the Lord’s devotion to an unworthy people, today’s is the one I think best showcases the unqualified friendship He offers His followers.

After the supper and the First Communion, mentioned above, Jesus was praying in the garden of Gethsemane. Now, being God, Jeuss knew that this was the prayer meeting of all prayer meetings. We can lay on our faces in the prayer room. We can remember 4A. We can even rest on our laurels and think back to old conferences and Because of the Times. We can remember saints that have gone on... but this - THIS - prayer meeting was the flesh God wore, calling out in stress, distress, and anguish at what was coming. This was the night before His crucifixion. And what happened? What came?

Judas - member of the original 12, man that held the money, church secretary, treasurer, demon-caster-outer, preacher, minister, pastor, trusted - Iscariot approached him with a band of men. He stepped forward. He walked to Jesus. And he embraced him and kissed him. Think on this in the dark, and in the night... he walked to him, in a garden, and stepped forward and kissed the face of God incarnate. And what was Jesus’ response? According to Matthew, He called the man “Friend."

Now, I know that we call him the betrayer, we have names that describe the horror of what happened to Judas and God even cursed the field where his blood fell. But, Judas expected Jesus to establish His kingdom on earth and drive the Romans out of Israel—anyone who could calm a storm at sea could easily remove an oppressive government! But Judas’s interest in Jesus was more personal and political than spiritual. Hear that, and let it sink in again... Judas was interested in Jesus, and he KNEW who He was! He was God! And He was there to save and help and deliver! But, you can know who God is, know that Jesus is God, and still think of him in a political, governmental, and financial way. Are you concerned with your organizations treasury? Do you spend more time balancing the books and lobbying for your church's political clout than on your face before God? Do you need respectability more than you need repentance? We use the name of Judas now to describe any betrayer. In fact, John reported that his fellow disciple stole from the money box (12:6). Today the man’s name is synonymous with those who betray others for personal gain. Here is the good news: In spite of Judas’ greed, blind ambition, and betrayal, Jesus never stopped loving him; He still used the word “friend” to address the one-time disciple. The Lord does not place conditions on His love or reject people who fail to meet certain standards. He simply cares for us as we are.

People cannot earn Jesus, the Christ’s love and friendship. He takes the initiative, reaches out, and draws into fellowship those who are willing. We are not worthy, but we are privileged to live in His love anyway. In the Lord, we find a friend who sticks closer than a brother (Prov. 18:24).

I am the very lowest of the low. I am not what I need to be. I am nowhere near even where I've been before. But I know forgiveness. I know the love of God. Do you? You can. Do you feel anxious? Do you feel like something is amiss? It's humiliating to admit you need help. It's humiliating to admit that you are lost, and that you need intervention. It's humbling to finally admit that you cannot do this. You cannot save yourself. You cannot bear this weight. It's painful. God can bear it. God can save you. God can heal you. God can forgive you. God can clean you. God can make you new. Is today your last day? It doesn't have to be - it can be your first day. Jesus never fails. If you search, you will find. If you call out, you will be heard. If you ask, you'll get an answer.

I love you, right where you are.

#JustBeingMichael ツ

Trustworthy Guide - I Still Trust You, Lord

Psalms 32:8-9: "The Lord says, “I will teach you the way you should go; I will instruct you and advise you. Don't be stupid like a horse or a mule, which must be controlled with a bit and bridle to make it submit.”

Ouch. Well, ouch to me anyway.

I am more like the latter in my natural state - I require harsher guidance. I require a bit & bridle. Anyone who is honest will admit that he or she is ill-equipped to go through life alone. We, as humans, just are. Everyone wants a spiritual high. Everyone wants to be needed, used, appreciated, special... Everyone wants to be loved. Not everyone wants to put in the work, time, effort, and sweat-quity to be prepared to be special. To prepare to be used, and be able to fill needs. We get a hint of a whisper of what God wants for us, and we want it NOW.

#NewsFlash: Noah built an ark on dry land, having never seen rain and for decades' worth of hand-blistering, back-breaking work. He was made fun of, he was told he was crazy - until the first rain fell on the face of the planet. But how must that have felt? That way embarrasment makes our faces hot and flushed. We sweat and feel awkward and want to hide or leave a situation. You can't leave a project of that magnitude and proportion. And you can't run from God and responsibility. Moses, after learning that his entire life was a lie, leaving everything, and denouncing a life of privilage and comfort, fought his adopted brother, wandered for 40 years, and yet, STILL, never made it to Canaan. Timing, patience - those were the reasons. Elijah, Elisha, Prophets... all alone time, all told to wait. John the Baptist, cousin of Jesus, spent how long alone in a desert? Jesus, being God with skin on, waited 30 years to do something that must follow a natural oder and must follow God's time - not human, nor the flesh, nor Earth's time. Even Jesus went away and spent some alone time in the desert.

What makes us think we are unique, special, and deserve the immediate answer and attention of Almight God? Our all-knowing God created us with a need for His guidance. In our own strength, knowledge, and reasoning power, we are simply not able to figure out how to make the wisest decisions. I am living proof with my history of instant gratification and my need for immediate answers and resolutions. Trust me, though, the Lord’s assuring hand at our shoulder can lead us down right paths to good choices. More than that, the Lord is willing and able to guide us, if we will let Him. It isn’t difficult to fall in step with Him. Acknowledge that you have wandered down paths of life that led to sin and disobedience.

I have friends from all walks of life. Friends from well-to-do privilege and an insulated place high above what many of us realize is a very real, cold, and harsh world. And I friends that would love to even be considered povery level. Friends that know what it is like in the real world with parents that are addicted to meth and that know that "bad things" happen to "good people" and that eating and surviving sometimes involve things we "nice folks" don't want to have to think about. I have friends from every sexuality on the spectrum. Every gender and fluidity of cis-trans-somewhere on a scale. Friends and loved ones from every race, ethnicity, nationality, and every faith... And I love them all dearly. Not for what I think they should be, or if they agree with me. Not for what they would be to me if they choose my faith, or what I believe is true. And how can that be? Because. I choose that. I don't agree with many of them. I don't believe what they beleive and I don't lie, coddle, or pretend to be something or someone I am not - that would be unkind, unfair, and untrue. But I love them. I love them both in and of myself and I love them from my Christian perspective and do wish for them to know what I know, not just in my head, but in my heart. If they never do, I'll still love them. Duh. Why would anyone ever want Christ, the Holy Ghost, or anything to do with being a Christian, if you don't live the tenets of that faith? I've said this before, and I'll repeat it: Being White, Affluent, and Conservative doesn't make you a Christian. Following the Christ, however, does.

But that being said, I know that just beyond our last heartbeat lies eternity. And for me that is a very real and very somber and very sobering thought. I was near there. I was near that place. I have been touched by eternity. I wasn't ready. I wasn't even close to ready. It's not because of what most would assume is sexuality or standards, or TV, or the length of my sleeves, or if I grow a beard. It wasn't because I have had alchohol or smoked a cigarette. It wasn't because of the company I kept, or didn't keep. That's superficial. That's not my heart, nor my salvation point. But know this, God knows, and I wasn't ready. I wasn't a cheater. I wasn't a drug addict. I wasn't even a bad drunk. I didn't lie to work, or loved ones. I didn't purposefully find things to hurt people. I didn't even really want to be "bad." But that's not really the point, either. I "tried." I tried really hard. I worked hard. I made money. I paid my bills and I even tithed. I did lots of the right things. Lots and lots. But I wasn't ready. I wasn't real. I was lukewarm. I wouldn't have been one of those that heard "Well done." I didn't give God water. I didn't feed God. I didn't see that God was cold and clothe and nurture God. I was complacent. I thought that if I worked myself to death to pay a bill, why didn't eveyrone? I judged. Harshly. I thought unkind things, and usually even spoke them. I was superior in my own mind. I was "good enough." I used my talents and blessings on vanity and selfishness. I squandered what could have been years doing the right thing, vs. doing things right. There is a difference in wanting to pray through and be used and on a platform, than realizing that the cross is your only true and real salvation - that death is near and you are not ready. Knowing that death would be the end of something and that the next steps are not ones you want to take. There is a vast difference in knowing that you have wasted time and years and gifts and then been given a true, real, honest second chance - that God doesn't hold a grudge, take your gift away, take your calling away, and take your life for your sin. Even when He should have and would have been well within any right to do so. It's even more humbling when you realize that God will hug you, wipe your eyes, chastise you in Love, and tell you that you still have to do what he told you to do so long ago. That you are still required to submit, love, live, and go forth... Sometimes God is funny. Not, funny "haha."

This entire post will make sense to very few... and that's okay, too. I trust that this level of me being this honest and this "naked" will help whoever it is supposed to help. That’s where our Savior is pointing us, right? Help each other? The days are short? Lean on me? The path may not be clear to our eyes, but Jesus is leading us there with a steady and sure hand, I have to beleive that. Our part is to follow in obedience. I am on a journey. I am learning literally moment by moment. I am restructuring and relearning. And I am praying for trust.

I love y'all.

I Still Trust You, Lord

Only Trust Him

Today is bittersweet.

I've spent two weeks recuperating, resting, and restoring myself. I've spent Christmas and New Year with family and loved ones. I've done a lot of soul searching. I've reached out to the past, reconciled old hurts, and begun the process of repentance for a life spent in selfish vanity. I've taken communion with my sweet family, got to hear my Momma pray a prayer that would raise the hair on the back of your neck, and gotten to be in service with precious loved ones and cousins.

I've seen the hand of God touch me and literally heal me in the past weeks. We always hear of others far off. We always think it's someone's cousin's little sister's roommate from junior camp in Texas somewhere that gets truly healed, or touched by God. Or one of the Bournes. It's never us. Well, this time it was me. God's chased me since I was a child, and He's never faltered. It's odd to be this lucid, and see things this clearly, and feel this much wonder.

I'm changed. Forever changed. Forgiven. Called. Commissioned. And, embarrassingly enough to admit, scared. What is your reaction to realizing you've run from God? Wasted resources? Not been a very good steward? What do you do when the supernatural touches your life, gives you an unmerited gift, restores what you've abused, and offers peace and grace?

I'm sitting in an airport... crying... and wondering what in the world my next steps are. I'm in a peaceful turmoil. I am so sad to leave my family. I am not thrilled to return to my privileged and selfish life and begin the real work of dismantling bad habits, bad decisions, repair relationships, and move forward in grace and fulfill callings I've long-enough ignored. Yet, I'm blessed. I'm peaceful. I keep running over in my head that I am loved, and protected. I am in God's will, so what's with the anxiety and stress? And then I remember that I still have 20 years of consequences, reparations and many, many things to disentangle from my life. I feel partially like Joseph, having been sent on a difficult, but ultimately, rewarding, multi-decade detour. And partially like the prodigal son.

God made good on His end and healed me physically - you'd think that would be the hard part... The next steps, moments, hours, and days are for what I covet prayer. I'm humming this to myself today, "Only Trust Him," over and over. That, while so simple, is my best and next step. And the next. And the next.

"Come, every soul by sin oppressed,
There’s mercy with the Lord,
And He will surely give you rest,
By trusting in His word.
Only trust Him, only trust Him,
Only trust Him now.
He will save you, He will save you,
He will save you now."

Confidants, Constituents, and Comrades...

Sometimes old sermons are still the best sermons. And this is good stuff!! Good preaching, yes... but really good teaching as well. I know that I needed this today. You have a destiny and a dream God has given you... and you wont' get there alone. You will have:

• Confidants (those for you, and that you are completely in sync with. They are those that will be with you through good or bad, ups and downs, and will be there regardless.)
• Constituents (those that are for what you are for. They agree with your causes and what you stand for. They are not necessarily for YOU, and they will follow the next person that aligns with their belief or cause.)
• Comrades (Those not for you, or your dream or cause, but they are against what you are against. They will join with you to fight a greater enemy. They come and go.)

This applies to Church, Life, Family, Friends, Work... You can see and administer this wisdom throughout many areas of your life. You will need people, regardless of how many times you try to make it alone. The honest truth is that you can't make it in this life alone. You will need all three at different times and God will show you, whether at a family reunion that makes you grit your teeth or if you are in a difficult project at work. There will be those that see your vision and dream, and there will be those that only join in to defeat a different failure or enemy. Don't let that break your heart. See people honestly and categorize them where needed, but... always know the difference.

Cheers,
#JustBeingMichael ツ

"Quit reading peoples' opinions on the Word of God, and read the Word of God." --Dedie Cooley

I'm all for study. I'm all for reading and sharing ideas of study. I like reading others' opinions and what they have studied. But... And here is where I LOVE this quote... at some point - you have to determine in yourself what scripture means to you, and for you.

You can read the Cliff's Notes for any great work of literature, but you won't get the same impact as if you read the literature for yourself. You can read someone's review of a film, book, or television show - but it's not the same as watching for yourself and determining what it meant to you... how it affected you.

Scripture is deeply personal, and how it affects you, and how you interpret and apply that scripture is just as personal. Yes, it takes more time, and more study. Yes, it is harder, and it requires lots of boring cross-referencing and lots of application. But the result is a much more intimate and the end result is a much more in-depth knowledge of "what you know."

One unexpected side-effect is that you also become less insecure about other people having the right to their own beliefs. If you know a scripture, and live a scripture, and trust what you've read and researched, a picture on Facebook, a quote from someone that people misuse, and other people freely practicing their own religious beliefs tend to not bother you as much. Why? Because YOU have done your work, your own "homework" and you don't feel the need to react negatively to every piece of "information" that "threatens" your beliefs. Your foundation is secure, and your beliefs are secure due to your study and your sweat equity you have invested in them. Everyone is entitled to research, believe, and live as their conscience dictates to them.

Peace and love, y'all.

ツ✔ Cheers, #JustBeingMichael ツ

Decide

What do you want to do with your life? Everyone wants to be healthy, safe, and relatively happy. They want their loved ones to be healthy, safe, and relatively happy. But what do YOU want out of life? This question has been plaguing me for weeks. What do I want? I am afforded options. I have directions and paths to choose from. Soo, what do I want? In a perfect world – I’d whine about my first world problem. I’d cry to friends and expect sympathy – but I am out of sympathy. I’m especially out of sympathy for myself. I feel like I’m out of sympathy for others, at times, as well… I have lain awake nights, recently, pondering this. Pondering my “dilemma” and next steps… What do I want? What DO I want? What do I WANT?

Here is what I know: We’re all gonna die. That much is a given. No one gets out alive, ever. And, for the most part, as a general rule, we don’t get to say when. We don’t get to say how. We don’t usually have the luxury of choice in death. That may seem sad, but I think it is kind of comforting to know that the one great constant, and one great “leveler-of-persons” is death. No, it’s true – we don’t get to decide. But, we do get to decide how we’re gonna live.

So do it. Decide.

Is this the life you wanna live? Are you a stranger in your own life? Are you participating in the navigation of your own life? Are you happy? Do you like yourself? Do you want to change? Is this the person you wanna love? Is this the relationship you wanna be in? Is this how you treat your partner? Is this how you allow yourself to be treated?

Is this the best you can be? Can you make better choices? Can you love yourself enough to decide what you will and won’t allow yourself to suffer? Can you be stronger? More steadfast? Consistent? Bolder? Wiser? Kinder? More compassionate?

Decide. Take a deep breathe in. Breathe out, and then… decide.