Monday, September 10, 2012

Ch-ch-ch-changes, Part Four

Well, per usual, I've said a lot.

Maybe too much. It's not like anyone is actively interested in any of this. But it's very cathartic. And it's good for me. It's a tool. And it's something I really do feel like I've been instructed to do. So, there's that.

Ch-ch-changes, Part Two
Ch-ch-changes, Part Three

I've laid out the things that I needed to lay out publicly. I've set something in motion that I know cannot be undone and that I'll have to see through to the end. Change is still hard. The process, the journey, the unknown - it's all hard.
Here I am again, at another crossroads. Getting ready to move, getting ready for new projects, new callings, and new things to accomplish. I know I spoke a great deal about fear, but there is also excitement. There is anticipation. There is joy. Not just happiness, but joy. I just know that for whatever reason, this is necessary. I know I want to be… better. I want to be more. I want to be fuller. It's not about being important. It's about taking stock. It's about self assessment. It's about pruning. It's about pulling out the weeds. And that leads me to one last bit of business. It's a sort of "pre-apology" to some people. You will not have full access to me any longer. You will not occupy my thoughts, my ideals, my obsessions or my daily existence. It's not that you are "not good enough", and it's not that I don't love you, or want the best for you, or won't pray for you and continually, continually hope for you. But I have to do all of that for me. I need to do all of that for me. I want to do all of that for me. So, if you are constructive, positive in either influence or assistance, and equitable in friendship, then great. If not, I'll be thinking of you and hoping for the best! But this is mine. This life is my only life. This body is my only body. This existence, thoughts, hopes, goals, and calling are all the only ones I have, and I cannot afford to be distracted and deterred any longer - and I won't. I can no longer afford to subsidize you emotionally when I am on empty, when I need recharging, refilling, and restoring. I will be praying for you -for all of you. And I will be writing, and working, and living - living openly, living out loud.

Just living, maybe.

God Bless,

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