Wednesday, December 28, 2011

2011 A Year in Review – Part One: A Study in Excellence

Right. So, OK… the title is a tad self-serving and conceited. But a study shows gains and failures and there were plenty of both this year.

But this IS me we are discussing. And a self produced and published blog is kind of a personal conceit anyway. Seriously, like people are interested in what I have to say. Well, I mean… they are… but to KNOW that seems pretty conceited, no?

I often wonder aloud WHY I do this? Why do I write these little columns and give myself these projects? I have plenty to do. I already have a pretty schedule-packed life. Sometimes I think it is for my own self reflection or study. I like looking inward and seeing myself. Sigh, even the bad. I’ve gotten pretty good about being horrifyingly honest with myself.

But...beyond myself…me, and my own narcissism; who is this for? Is there anyone actually out there? I remember The Michael Chronicles circa 2003 with tons of people and April Perry and Rachel Busler and the infamous Mood Meter…but that was a lot of child’s play and drunken storytelling. So, again…WHO is this for? Anybody out there?

It IS amazing therapy. But, are there any other insights, dear readers? Since I can’t literally hear you, I will assume it is just crickets chirping and this might be all there is to it.

I guess, then, this is my brain dump. This is my Where-I-have-been-where-I-am-going blog to put out there publicly. Maybe it’s good that I DON’T know how many people read this stuff. I might be tempted to censor a lot more, and that ISN’T what I want. I want a writing outlet where I feel no shame, no judgment, or anything. Just to be living, experiencing and writing with no, uh…awareness of others. That is the ultimate goal. So, where to begin this blog??

Well, the year was challenging. That is a nice, pretty way of saying that the majority of it was off in some way for my normally charmed life. [read: It sucked.] But that isn’t the whole story. Or even just a part of it…Also: It rocked. It was amazing. I saw some good times, some hard times, some fun times, some sad times. I made some new friends. Lost some old friends, was engaged and seriously near marriage with someone. And, ultimately, the failure of that made me single again. And now there is dating. Falling in love. I had money, made tons of money…lost a lot of money. I gained some insights, let go of some beliefs and I am finally….ready.

But, srsly… what exactly am I ready for? Ready for what? Ready to do what? Ready to be what?

Ready for the next step? Ready to face up, own up, and be an active participant in my life again? Although, it isn’t like I wasn’t active…I just felt like I wasn’t for a while. There was a depression-like period that made me feel impotent and not in control of things as they happened to me. However, I am ready to move on. Ready to change. Change me. Change the world….make a mark. Leave a legacy.

One of my favorite quotes is from (shock!) BTVS. It’s at the end of Season Two when her dead lover is trying to kill her. He says, “No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what's left?”
She says, “Me.”

I like that. No, actually… I love that. I love it. At the end of the day, I have me. Me to depend on. Me to lean on. Me to believe in. I was busy, lazy, super busy, healthy, sickly, drunk, sober, and ultimately…

Just Me.

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