Dear Life –
Let me begin by saying that I love you very much.
I normally cannot wait to fling open my eyes and bound into each and every day that you deliver to me. As you know, and are well aware of, I am a nerve-wracking chipper kind of guy. I actually enjoy people and challenges and the act of living. I’ve come to realize that I am journey kind of guy and not a destination kind of guy…
I’ve been reflecting a lot lately about you.
Growing up, we had a hard relationship. I never knew that the hardships and tests and things that you gave me were ways of making me stronger and more durable. I accused you of being unfair and I must confess that in my heart…I momentarily hated you many times. You threw parental issues, selfishness, divorce, hateful step-parents, hard family issues, and tons of “growing up too fast” stuff at me. Still, overall…I loved you. If I am just being honest and not conceited…I even kind of excelled at you.
You made me sensitive and crazy and ADHD and OCD. I dealt. I deal. I will deal. And, still…there I was/am: Full of wonder and love and curiosity. And to give credit, I must say…we’ve had a great run, so many wonderful experiences and so many nice times and things that I am truly blessed to have seen, done and been a part of. I mean, even with the mucho crazy and family weirdness…I have a great family (most of the time and circumstance), great friends (the few of you know who you are), and tons of acquaintances and people to know. Also, I must say that I was always lucky in life and work with so many treasured experiences and things I’ve gotten to see and accomplish in a short, short life… I mean, I got a great career early on…did tons of government and ESRD stuff that I will always hold dear. Thanks a lot! It was super great!
However, lately it seems that either choices (or forced choices), and time and people and just…well, YOU, dear life…have become day by day, increasingly difficult. Increasingly challenging. Increasingly…well, sucky and full of hard decisions and disappointing people and situations. So what gives? What is it with all of these new tests and trials and things that are hard, difficult and painful??? Why shouldn’t I get my sunset, happy ending and blah blah blah?
Okay, I am nauseating myself. I am getting on my OWN nerves…
Wow. Too much has happened in the past year…year and a half… To the casual observer, it would seem like you take joy in making me doubt my sanity, my sobriety, my religion and my own very self. And in thinking about all of that, and taking some great self inventory. Really searching my soul and my actions and my life…here’s the deal: I got news for you, dear Life – you need to be on notice. I asked for a break. You said, “No.” Well, I am not asking anymore. I am taking. “Meh?” you say.
As in… Moving forward. Not turning around, not asking questions, not caring about answers. Me. Mine. My goal, vision, mission…
Sigh…since I am giving notice…and since I am putting this out there publicly…allow me an indulgence of the worst sort: The Spring Cleaning Whine.
Dear Life and those in it…for all of my great “friends” that I haven’t heard from, barely hear from, or otherwise hear from ONLY when you want a drink, a good time, or some kind of hook up, tickets, information, introductions, money, or anything besides just…well…being a friend.
Don’t call me.
Don’t text me.
Don’t know me.
Don’t get drunk and tell me you love me when your card declines and you owe me 40 bucks or you need a shoulder to cry on when your life isn’t great. If you can’t be a good reciprocal friend, then don’t be any kind of friend. Don’t text me when you are already at a party for two hours and wonder where I am.
Because I’ll tell you where I’m gonna be. With me. Figuring some stuff out. Relearning who I am and what I want and just how I’m gonna get it. And that might just not include you.